My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
