I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
