It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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