your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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