is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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