so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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