I hate all girls vehemently.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
