things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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