Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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