he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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