the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
