The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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