my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
