I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
