Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
