Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
