a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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