Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
