I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
