I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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