the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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