I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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