They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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