saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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