If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
