My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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