sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Screwed.edu
Welp...herpes.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
