When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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