"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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