I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
