It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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