The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
