Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
