so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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