I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
