my vag is so smooth its legendary
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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