Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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