Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
