how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
