break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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