I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
