I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
