so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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