Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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