He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
