my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
