Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
