ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
