i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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