You made me cry and you don't even care
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
