If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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