just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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