Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
